Why Do We Keep Watching Reality Dating Shows?
“People are fascinated by love and the pursuit of love,” says CAS sociologist Deborah Carr. Not to mention that it’s good, escapist TV
Reality TV dating shows, such as The Bachelor (contestants from the show’s 29th season are pictured here), endure because “people are fascinated by love and the pursuit of love,” says BU sociologist Deborah Carr. Photo courtesy of The Bachelor/Disney/Michael Kirchoff
Why Do We Keep Watching Reality Dating Shows?
“People are fascinated by love and the pursuit of love,” says CAS sociologist Deborah Carr. Not to mention that it’s good, escapist TV
There’s love, and then there’s Love Island. Love on the Spectrum. Love Is Blind. Love After Lockup. Don’t forget The Ultimatum, The Bachelor(ette) and its various spinoffs, Married at First Sight, 90-Day Fiancé—the list goes on. And on. The glut of reality dating shows today makes dating online seem almost quaint—and dating IRL seem like an ancient ritual.
But it’s not just the recent boom in streaming channels that has made reality dating shows popular. The genre has a long history—consider The Dating Game (1965), The Newlywed Game (1966), Love Connection (1983), or any of the notoriously messy dating shows of the early aughts (such as Flavor of Love, Parental Control, or Next).
Each new decade brings its own spin on TV dating, but the premise is essentially the same: people, thrown together in various beautiful locations, looking for love. So, what keeps us coming back for more? BU Today spoke with Deborah Carr, Arts & Sciences Distinguished Professor of Sociology, about the enduring appeal of watching other people fall in love.
Q&A
with Deborah Carr
BU Today: Broadly, what do you think has made reality dating shows so popular for so long?
Carr: People are fascinated by love and the pursuit of love—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even Freud recognized that love, and work, are the foundation of life. Most people also want to see a happy ending, especially when the world feels so bleak.
The producers do a good job of grabbing viewers from the get-go. Viewers build attachments to particular contestants and their backstories—the divorced mom reluctant to go on a dating show, the sensitive young man still coping with the recent death of his dad, the kind young woman with a hearing impairment who started a foundation to help deaf children. Viewers also are captivated by the “villain” (or the contestant that the producers set up to look like a villain). It’s human nature to want to see an unkind or duplicitous person get their comeuppance. These kinds of storylines have universal appeal, whether reality dating shows or Shakespeare.
And at a more basic level, it’s fun escapism—most of the shows are shot in beautiful locales, so for people who can’t afford to travel or who were homebound during the pandemic, it’s a nice break to see gorgeous tropical islands and quaint European cities.
Finally, some people watch to test their own instincts about human behavior and compatibility. Did your favorite contestant “win”? Did the lead character notice the same “red flags” about a contestant that the viewer noticed? Diehard fans take some pleasure in knowing that they “called” the correct winner.
BU Today: Are there ways that these shows reinforce social norms? Reflect new ones?
The shows absolutely reinforce (perhaps outdated) cultural norms about physical attractiveness and desirability. To a one, the women are slender and toned, with perfectly coiffed hair. (It was actually controversial when a female contestant had very short hair!) Likewise, the men are muscular, fit, and usually taller than the women. For most of their history, reality dating shows focused exclusively on young, white, straight contestants. They have made modest strides in inclusivity by having more Black, Asian, and Latine candidates—and even as leads. The Golden Bachelor franchise famously featured older candidates, ages 60 and older. There are certainly debates about whether the Golden Bachelorette cast members were an accurate portrayal of older adults. I think the show did a great job of talking about age-related issues like widowhood, retirement, empty nest, loneliness, and health problems—although most of the candidates looked at least a decade younger than their chronological age. Another stride is that the shows feature a broad range of occupations, often with the women having more successful careers than the men.
Dating shows have only recently started to feature LGBTQ people, although the I Kissed a Boy/Girl franchise and a half-dozen other shows have flourished over the past five years or so. More shows are featuring nonbinary daters, which is a huge advance, as well. Interestingly, some contestants on the heterosexual dating shows later became semi-celebrities when they formed same-sex relationships or marriages. That’s an important stride as well, because it normalizes sexual fluidity. These shows are playing an important role in raising the visibility of same-sex relationships, although they mostly comply with the same physical attractiveness norms as the straight-oriented shows. But, they do show that people are basically the same when it comes to searching for love! People want to be loved and accepted, although almost everyone makes mistakes along the way.
For their many flaws, I do believe there are genuine efforts to be inclusive—even if those efforts don’t succeed 100 percent. Love on the Spectrum, for instance, demonstrates that young people with neurodiversity want love just as much as their peers. While I would like to believe that inclusiveness and acceptance are the goal of these newer programs, the cynical part of me believes it’s partly market-driven. For instance, there are nearly 60 million adults ages 65+ in the United States; they are a powerful block of viewers and consumers!
BU Today: Reality shows are less expensive and easier to make than a scripted drama or prestige TV show. This probably makes them a staple for networks riding out recent writers’ strikes, for example. But I wonder if their popularity has anything to do with the state of our real life, too? As things get more expensive and more chaotic for people, is there value in this sort of escapist TV?
Absolutely. The escapism is part of it. The world feels more bleak every day, and an hour of watching people date and enjoy margaritas in a hot tub is harmless escapism. Likewise, national data show that levels of loneliness are at an all-time high, especially for young adults. Many people who would love to date or spend time in a beach house filled with their new friends (i.e., the other contestants) can find vicarious social lives by watching these shows.
And, these shows do create a sense of community among viewers—whether online or in real life. People talk and tweet about these shows. They debate the characters’ motives. They judge when contestants go on the show “for the wrong reasons” (i.e., trying to boost their fledgling social influencer careers rather than trying to find true love). Reality dating shows may not be rocket science, but they do provide some harmless escapism and can provide a feeling of community for those who need it.
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